Happy Birthday To My Carrot

The folks on the Biggest Loser have a HUGE carrot, several in fact, dangled in front of them to entice them to drop the weight.  With 250,000 reasons to drop the pounds does that make it any easier?  Or winning an expensive vacation or car?  When I stepped on the scale and saw 220lbs staring back at me I knew I had to do something.  I also knew that a diet wouldn't help me.  I had to find a carrot. I needed a carrot.

My beautiful daughter came into the world on March 16th, 2006.  She was definitely a gift.  I had been told I couldn't have any more children after my son was born.   She came into the world loud and proud and nearly jumped off the table.  From first look I could tell she was something special and deserved more than I could give her. I was not worthy of her. I had a lot of work to do.

I had to change, there was no way around it.  I did not want my daughter to meet the person I had become. She could never meet this overweight depressed version of me.  I had to get to work, I figured I had about two years to reach my goal. I would be 40 years old by then, oh geez.  I would need to drop roughly 80 pounds and get my mind right.  I could get healthy, fit and fabulous in two years, right?   I wanted to be a good role model and I wanted her to be  proud to call me her Mom. So... I went for it.

I was determined to give Sydney the awesome, fit Mom she deserved. I started pushing  her in a stroller that May when my doctor released me for exercise. I've got to tell you that it was extremely hard getting my body to move, I had been sedentary for nearly five years. I had to dig deep.  I couldn't let this "hardness" stop me.  I couldn't because every time I looked into those tiny beautiful baby blue eyes I knew I had to keep going.  As she grew I shrank, it was wonderful. We walked everyday, sometimes twice a day. As the weeks passed walking became a habit and I started to look forward to it.   There was a lady in the neighborhood that called me "the incredible shrinking woman", she has no idea how that comment kept me going. ( I still think of that comment )

I continued to push Sydney in the stroller until she was about one year old, then we graduated her to a backpack.  I carried her everywhere.  We hit the trails more and went on overnight  trips. I was very happy to be in shape to be able do that.  That year we took a three day backpacking trip, it was amazing.

Those eighty pounds did not have a chance. My walking evolved into running and I took up cycling when she was 15 months.   I re-learned what to eat and found what I liked to do, what worked  for me.  I did NOT go on a diet, I found a lifestyle.  A lifestyle that agrees with me, one that makes me happy and healthy.  And I tried something new... I loved myself through ALL of it.  I let the old habits of being critical and just downright mean to myself go.  I never got anywhere by punishing myself, I had to stop those behaviors to get where I am today.

Time has passed so quickly. My daughter will be 8 years old tomorrow. I am proud to report that I have kept my promise to myself and to her over these years. I have not gained back a single pound.  I continue to strive daily for a healthy body and healthy attitude.  Truth be told... I am also looking forward to my 45th birthday at the end of this week.  How many people can say that?

Happy Birthday to my carrot!  I love you to the moon and back.

Be Brave Contest

*******Edited.  Deadline for photos is March 20th.







I am a huge fan of contests and decided it was time to have my own.

Very simply... If you want to enter EMAIL me a photo or PM me one to my LivingOutLoud Facebook page of you doing something brave.

The photo could be your first selfie with a shirt off.

I uploaded this photo and my computer crashed and
I couldn't take it down 

Or maybe a photo of what you looked like covered in sweat from your last workout.

Perhaps a photo of you doing something that scares the crap out of you.

Not a fan of water but I went whitewater rafting

I am terrified of heights but I made it to the top and eventually down

I was never so relieved to touch the ground

Maybe you want to share something extreme.


I used to have long blonde hair, I had over 12 inches cut off.

And then I went RED!

Now that you have the idea..... get creative and send it to me.  Deadline for entries is  Thursday, March 13th 2014.  I will compile all photos and place them in an album on Facebook.  Photo with the most LIKES wins. Easy peasy. You will be rewarded with this beautiful Patagonia Canvas Bag ($25 value) if you win.

Thanks for playing along.

Tooth Troubles With A Lesson

As I sat in the dentist chair on Thursday Feb 13^th I had many emotions going through my head.  I have dreaded going to the dentist since I was a small child.  Through no fault of my own, my teeth have always been an incredible mess.  I was told they were too big for my mouth and that I had a tremendous overbite.  I had fangs (four of them) in the front, and all of my teeth were all crooked.  By the early 1980’s I had a mouthful of metal.  My braces were not the cute little ones (nearly invisible braces were not invented yet) , I had the ugly big bands that wrapped all the way around my teeth.  I had to have five teeth pulled before getting braces.  I had to sport those braces for over SIX years.  I endured the pains of getting them tightened and wearing rubber bands that always broke in my mouth when I opened it.  I didn’t open my mouth often or smile much for that matter. In my senior year of HS they were finally removed.   I went through the next 2 years losing and buying retainers.  I remember buying at least seven retainers over that period and then giving up.  Within a year I was back at the dentist having three of four wisdom teeth pulled.  In case you have lost track… I am almost twenty now.

Around age 24 I was back in the dentist chair complaining of front tooth pain. This time my dentist was a woman, she said some awful things to me about how I took care of my teeth. She made me feel like an awful person.  I explained to her that I had been in and out of dentist chairs for many years now and that I did take care of my teeth.  After she cleaned my tooth and gums I never saw her again.  I did not see another dentist for almost two decades. 

In 2010 I went on a search to find my then 4yr old a dentist.  I found a great guy not far from the house.  My daughter took to him immediately and so did I.  He answered my questions, looked me in the eye and treated me with respect. Very simply, he just had a way about him that I liked.  I became his patient and went in for my first checkup in almost 20 years.  I had one cavity.  Whew.

  The following year, 2011, the front tooth pain returned in that exact tooth so long ago. Very nervous, I went to see him. Even then he could not understand why it was infected. After further examination, He told me I may lose it.  Tears started to well.  He put his hand on my shoulder and told me he would do the best he could to save it. He put my mind at ease by saying that. However, he went on that he could not guarantee anything, it may last a month or it may last forever.  He cleaned around the tooth, performed some magic and I was on my way.   It was unfortunate that I lost some gum tissue and a small part of my root was exposed.  While it looked horrible at least it did not hurt.  That part of my tooth had been stained from years of drinking coffee and it made the tooth appear to look rotten at the root. There was nothing I could do about it, bleaching it was not an option.  Upon leaving I vowed to take even better care of my teeth.  There was no way I was going to lose a front tooth.

My luck ran out on Tuesday, Feb. 11^th.  Brutal pain returned and I was back at the dentist. My checkup two months previously had showed everything was fine. He told me he was surprised that I was able to keep the tooth healthy for the past two years. My mind said,  ”obviously not good enough since it was time for the tooth to go”.  It needed to be removed and then he would file down three of my front teeth to attach a bridge.  I was not excited about this development and terrified at the thought of him taking my front tooth.  I have no expertise in this area.  I left the office with my head hung low and a prescription for Vicodan and some Penicillin. Very sad I drove home.  I felt like a huge failure. I felt ugly.  I could not even imagine what I was going to look like and felt like I was never going to smile again. 

The morning of the procedure I went to the gym to get my frustrations out.  I beat myself up all day about having to go through this.  I should have been more diligent.  I should have brushed and flossed my teeth even more.   I continued to tear myself up while I sat in the chair and they explained the procedure again.  My main job was to keep my mouth open, sit still…and hold back tears.  The Dr went to work and the extraction was painless.  He looked at my poor tooth saying “this is a beautiful tooth” and “structurally sound, strong tooth”.  He could not figure out why it was rejecting my mouth.  He put on some magnifying glasses and that is when he saw the small crack.  My tooth had a small hairline crack in it at the root of it.  He asked me if I ever had any trauma to my mouth.  I told him I had not.  He then informed me that this was NOT my fault.  There was nothing I could have done to save it.  I felt a wave of relief wash over me.  He and his assistant went to work and made my temporary bridge and installed it.  I was in and out within 1.5 hours. 

I go back in a month and get my permanent bridge. From the looks of it I will be very happy and smiling in no time at all.  The temporary looks great and matches my other teeth so closely that I don't think anyone will ever notice.  I have every confidence that the permanent bridge will be perfect.

I wanted to share my pain with you because I learned something during it.  No one can beat you up more than you can.  I said some horrible things to ME and was way too hard on myself. I can’t take those mean words back, those thoughts don’t just disappear into the air. I should have never been that hard on myself, whether it was my fault or not. I should have never treated ME that way and I should never treat ME like that again.  It has taken me years to learn to love who I am and I almost destroyed all of that hard work because of a tooth.   Silly huh?

Making Lemonade

You know the saying....  To be honest with you, that is exactly what I have been doing for a while now. Something happened in early October.  The fact that I can't put my finger on exactly what happened frustrates me to no end.  Be that as it may..... my left hip region/IT Band has been nagging at me ever since. The first thing I did was cut my running in half and used my foam roll even more.  I figured the problem would work its way out.  Here I am 5 weeks later.

 My IT band is still delivering an uncomfortable, dull ache, that never seems to go away.  Now I am not talking about PAIN, it is completely tolerable, about a three on a ten scale.  My 'situation' does not stop me from mountain biking either. Riding my bike is not painful.  That is a bonus.

 While I would prefer to run outside as many miles as I please,  I have made peace with busting it out on the elliptical. I have upped my gym time to replace my running deficit.  If you play with the cadence and the incline you can get an amazing workout on it.  I am kinda weird about touching the actual machine so I don't hold on to it. I get to  feel "the burn" in my belly since this forces my core to work more.


  Making lemonade isn't so bad if you approach it the right way.  Sometimes I have to shift my goals a bit, that doesn't mean I give up on myself and give myself permission to fall apart.  Been there, done that. I do not recommend it.


I have a really fun but highly challenging run coming up on December 14th at Pere Marquette State Park. I have been looking forward to this race for an entire year.  This is one of the most organized group of friendly volunteers I have yet to experience at an event.  To sweeten the deal...many of my friends will be ther.  With a cap of 700 runners chances are good I will make a new friend.  Last years race was extremely hard and somehow I managed to PR.  I was hoping to do even better this year but I do not believe that is in the cards for me.  No worries, I made peace with it and have focused my efforts toward staying positive and getting strong in the gym.  Regardless of my end result it will be a good day.

Thanksgiving Day hike

 The trails are beautiful this time of year. You should get out there, with your family.

My little monkey slept well that night

Diet vs Lifestyle

  When someone loses 75 lbs everyone wants to know how they did it.  If I had a dollar for every time I was asked "how did you lose the weight" I would be quite wealthy. While I have always enjoyed sharing my story, I often got the feeling nearly everyone was disappointed with my answers/advice.


I wan't able to share a magic potion or special drops that melted their fat away. No fairy dust, no pixie pills to make them slim in a month. I wasn't able to say it was easy.  I did not have a recipe for a secret weight loss shake or some special 'sprinkle stuff' for them to put on their food.  I could not give them the number to my 'wrap' consultant who magically made my waist smaller and thighs no longer rub together.

In 2006 I was a new Mom and roughly 75 pounds overweight and my blood pressure was extremely high.  I had never been this out of control before.  I knew what I had to do, it was like nothing I had ever done before. I was NOT going on another diet. This time I was going to change my lifestyle, change what I ate, change how much I exercised, change the people I hung out with (most of them had to go), change my outlook on life, and the hardest one... change the way I felt about myself.  Little by little, I got where I am today. You hear it all the time.... "It's a lifestyle, not a diet". Well, it's true.

You see....I did not starve, or use any SlimFast shake/bar meal replacement crap, not once.  I ate food, real food, lots of vegetables, leafy greens, fruits, and you know.... all the foods that contain one ingredient, such as broccoli, spinach, sweet potaoes, blackbeans, etc..  Getting my body moving was next. I bought a pair of descent running shoes and began walking, pushing a stroller. I walked everyday for at least 30 minutes and raised my time to an hour when weather was nice. I began finding excuses to spend more time outside. I spent my weekends in the woods hiking with my family or riding my bike.  I found activities that I liked to do, running/cycling, and the weight came off while I enjoyed myself, really it did.



Along my journey I added small changes like drinking more water and keeping track of my food intake. The internet was very helpful while I researched food.  Four years ago I looked up my favorite fast food restaurant, I have not eaten there or at any fast food place since. In June of 2007  I quit watching so much Tv, cut down to less than an hour, and got reinterested in my own life.  I also quit watching and reading the news, if it doesn't happen in my house I wasn't interested.


Changing your lifestyle does not happen over night.  In order to be successful I suggest taking it day by day, changing small things and getting them into your routine making them habits.  I remember taking a good, hard look at myself in the mirror and telling myself what I needed to change, what I wanted to accomplish by these changes.  By talking to myself, looking me right in the eyes, I realized I could no longer lie and pretend I was happy with who I saw in the mirror.  Not only my outside, but my insides. After some soul searching I was able to see that I was the only person who could change these things.  I have control over me, what I eat, what I think, and what comes out of my mouth.  

I had good days and bad but I never gave up. At 44 yrs old I am in the best shape of my life.  I have noticed that the better I eat the better I feel.  The better I feel the better I eat.  Quite a healthy cycle to be stuck in huh?

The Particular Sadness of Mac N' Cheese

My love affair with this cheese soaked noodles began when I was five.  Picture it, it's 1975 and they have come out with this stuff, noodles and cheese powder, in a box.  With a small amount of butter and milk you had dinner.  I quickly learned this was my comfort food.  I fell in love with it, deep love.  By the time I was 7, I could make it without help.  It was cheap, quick, easy, and delicious.

Mac n' cheese was my friend when no one wanted to play.  Mac n' cheese made me feel better after hearing my parents fight.  Mac n' cheese cheered when up when I had boyfriend troubles, and later in life husband troubles.  I used Mac n' cheese as fuel when I was training for marathons.  It was a double-edged sword, that's how I saw it.

After I hurt my ankle in 1999 and could no longer run, I continued to eat it. I ate copious amounts of it.   That cheesy goodness made my life so much better. Everthign was so much better with a mac n cheese buzz. It was definitely my comfort food.  I was happy when I ate it, giddy with delight,  not so much afterwards.  I felt guilty, fat and weak. Those small boxes of cheesy noodles put on the pounds very quickly, especially if you are a couch potato. After putting on 50, 60, 70 pounds whats the point right?  I kept shoveling it in.  What was it about this dish that I found so appealing? At times it felt like a drug, I couldn't get enough.  Spoonful after spoonful, I lost myself in mac n cheese.

Looking at it now, it's rather disgusting.  One of the most processed foods on the shelves these days is macaroni and cheese. To be fair... I don't think it was as processed back in the 70's.  Kraft has been under fire lately for using certain dyes, that are banned in Europe and China, that apparently cause terrible side effects in children, everything from allergies, asmatha, migraines, and even cancer.  Are you kidding me???  This is horrible.  Are you telling me that a simple box of macaroni noodles and cheesy sauce or powder can hurt my kids?  Unfortunate, but true.  I encourage you to do your own research and make your own decisions.

It's a very rare occassion that I will eat mac n cheese these days.  It may surprise you but it's NOT just because of the ingredients.... I can make it from scratch..... Mac n cheese makes me sad, it reminds me of my semi-miserable childhood, my bout with depression, and the fact that I had zero control around it. I choose not to eat it for those reasons.  I no longer have an anchor of cheesy noodles to drag me down.  And, you know what???  I don't miss it, not one bit.

Dirty Kanza: Never Give Up Edition

Yay! We made it

Seven years ago I began my journey to become healthy and fit. I topped the scales at 220lbs in 2005. I started by walking my newly born daughter (2006) in a stroller and graduated to a backpack carrier less than a year later in order to take her hiking and overnight backpacking.  My husband introduced me to mountain biking in late 2007. I landed in the ER my very first ride and had to wait four months for a do-over. My first mtb race was a 60 miler in Arkansas in 2008.  Fast forward to 2011 when I leaped straight into crazy and attempted the Dirty Kanza 200, a two hundred mile gravel grinder in Emporia, Kansas.  Mother Nature stopped me at mile 110.  I went back for my revenge in 2012 and finished in 19 hours.

This 2013 DK I felt I was in the best shape of my life and was ready to hit a goal of 17 hours.  I spent countless hours at the gym, added in running and put in MANY miles on the bike.  I treated my body to special juice drinks, limited my beer, and continued my third year of a vegetarian diet.  I rolled on my foam roller daily and used a massaging stick to work the kinks out, I made sure to get plenty of sleep. Melatonin is awesome.  I set myself up for success, I thought of everything, no?

My KONA

It's an amazing feeling to stand on the start line knowing you did everything within your power to get here.  You feel strong with all that hard work behind you.  All you need now is to have faith you did everything right, you did enough training to get to the finish. It's time for everything to come together. Believe, it's time to pedal and smile.

It felt awesome to be back in Emporia, Kansas.  What a neat town filled with friendly people!  While here I would get a chance to catch up with some girlfriends I made last year.  I would also get another chance at the Dirty Kanza, a beautiful bike ride through the Flint Hills.

All smiles at the start

As race day approached I used the Visualization technique and was able to see myself crossing  the finish line around 11pm.  At 6am Sat, June 1st, nearly 1000 cyclists were going to take off on this challenging ride.  Some of them would be participating in the DK Half-pint, at 100 miles, others would be doing the DK Lite version, chosing 20 or 50 miles.

Ready as I am going to get

I picked a spot on the outside around the 16 hour mark near some friends.  Shortly after thanking my Creator for allowing me to be there, the mass of bikes took off. Turniing the pedals, my first thought was "have I bitten off more than I can chew". Immediately, I kicked the negative committee out of my head and concentrated on my breathing.  The first fifty miles ticked off rather quickly. I rode with some very entertaining people in high spirits. I didn't feel like I was working too hard, the pace was manageable.  Around mile thirty I got to see three wild mustangs frolicking in the field.  Sorry no photo, I was on a mission.  This portion of the ride had small spots of mud, not near as much as I would have expected, to navigate.  No worries, I let the mountain biker in me take over and I was able to ride through most of it.  There was this little creek crossing too. In the deep spot it covered my knees.

Little creek section (photo Brent Windsor)

Making it to Checkpoint ONE at 9:45am, I was elated to be 15 minutes ahead of schedule.  My support crew Emma handed me sunscreen, topped off my bottles and gave me the fuel/food necessary to make it through the next leg.  She had me back on my bike in five minutes.

In this next 49 miles things get a bit tricky.  Myself and the other riders would be fighting an invisible force, the wind.  Mother Nature was making things difficult by delivering this soul sucking wind which had many riders calling it quits.  As the miles ticked off, ever so slowly, it was hard to remain positive.  I knew I was pedaling but felt like I was going nowhere.  I could hear the time clicking off in my head. Tick, tock, tick, tock.  I could not go any faster, I had to accept where I was and what I was able to do.  I swallowed that bitter pill and took in the scenery.  Kansa is a really beautiful place.  The clouds were exceptional, huge white pillows floating in an incredibly blue sky.  We passed several farms with cows so close you could pet them.  I didn't touch them but felt the need to inform them I was a vegetarian in case they had any ideas.  I felt like a speck, so small, in the expanse of Kansas.

Around mile 80 I felt like I was in quicksand and sinking fast. I asked God for help.  I wasn't sure exactly what I needed, maybe chocolate, an attitude adjustment, or to pull over and rest a minute? What is wrong with me?  Negative thoughts were creeping in. Would it really be so awful if I quit?  Within ten minutes of my plea I met Jim D.  He invited me to ride his wheel as long as I needed to get myself together. Happily, he pulled me along the gravel. While he pedaled we got to know eachother.  He was from CO and been riding forever.  He chatted up my ego, started paying me compliments, exactly what I needed.  After several miles Jim pulled over to a tree to refuel himself and encouraged me to keep motorig on.  With my newly acquired "eye of the tiger" I finished this leg at 3:20pm, I was shooting for 2:30pm.  My goal may be shot, do I throw in the towel?

Absolutely NOT!!!  Why would I quit after all the hard work I put into this?  I did not endure a five hour drive to quit. I have 100 miles to go. I would keep pedaling until I crossed the finish line.  I tried to convince my husband, who had already decided he quit, to come back out and fight the wind with me. We make a great team.  I must have given him the right look because he started to get ready and join me. Another guy named Sheldon left with us and made us a party of three.

That speck is me.  (photo Jim Davis)

The wind did not stop, the wind gusts blew me from one side of the road to the other. It was a constant in our faces wind, blowing sideways, never stopping, honestly it was awful.  Around mile 130 there was a question of which way to go, a course marker had been removed or blown away.  While checking the map we noticed three guys pass us taking the incorrect route.  Lucky for them my husband convinced a farmer to chase them down and get them turned around. No one needs to add extra mileage to their already LONG day.

The three of us made it to the final Checkpoint at 8:20pm, still daylight, WHEW!  We had not grabbed our headlights at the last stop, so glad we made it.  When it gets dark in Kansas the lights go out, I mean out!  It is as dark as it gets along these gravel roads, there are no street lights.  On this leg of 50 miles we met Bryan from CO.  He was not prepared for the darkness having chose a small, not very bright headlamp. He asked if he could join us.  Lucky for him, Jim and I had super bright lights, more than enough to share.  We are now a party of four to the finish.

Eric caught this moment perfectly

The four of us crossed the finish line at 1:35am, nineteen hours and 35 minutes of riding. We were ALL smiles, yup me too, even though I missed my goal entirely.


The following morning at our hotel my friend Gretchen, who lives there, was able to stop by for a quick visit. We caught up as best we could and exchanged hugs.  Definitely planning a trip to visit during the summer.  Maybe I can talk her into brewing a special Girls Weekend Brew.

Gretchen and I

I also saw Jim D and was able to tell him THANKS and that I finished because of his help and kind words.

Thanks Jim!

At the awards ceremony Bryan came over, shook my hand and said thank you again for letting him tag along and share our lights.


In retrospect.... My day unfolded exactly how it was supposed to.  If I had quit I would not have met Jim D, helped get those fellas back on course, or been able to share lights with Bryan.  Karma Baby!

Emporia Kansas will be hosting this event in 2014 on May 31st.  I can't think of anywhere else I want to be on that date so I am going back.  Going back after that goal.


AFTERMATH

NY Times reporter Patrick and me


I met this guy named Patrick Farrell at the riders meeting.  He wanted to follow me around for the day and wirte a story.  I was humbled and honored to have been a part of what he wrote and videotaped.  Dirty Kanza was an amazing weekend!

LINK TO THE ARTICLE

LINK TO THE VIDEO