The Truth: How I Got Fat In A Year

Everyone gains weight for a reason. Once you figure out the reason you can tackle it.  This is my story of how I got fat and unhealthy in a record period of time.  I have finally come to terms with what I did to myself fifteen years ago and how I sent my life and health into a downward spiral.   It is easy now to look back and see what I did wrong, the many mistakes I made.  I became the queen of excuses overnight. I created my own recipe for disaster.  It has taken me years to accept,  acknowledge, and learn from my behavior.  It wasn't a pretty experience, a lot of family and loved ones were hurt. While I can't change the past I can at least admit to it and help others in the same boat.  I wanted to share my experience with you in case you recognize some of yourself or someone you know.  Writing this was difficult and easy at the same time.  I had to revisit a painful part of my life but if it speaks to one person, helps one person, it was worth it.  Getting honest is part of letting things go. I am ready to let this go.

While waiting tables on Dec. 16, 1999 I stepped in a drain hole missing it's cover.  I succeeded in tearing all of the tendons and ligaments off my left ankle which left my foot hanging, not in a good way.  It was incredibly painful.  Little did I know that my suffering would be physical and mental.  My plans of running my seventh marathon in Feb were quickly ruined, I had worked so hard. The pain was consistent and affected  my mood.  I became an angry, bitter person. My life was changing for the worst and I felt powerless to stop it.  I couldn't walk, I couldn't work. I lost human interaction and invited crappy tv into my house.  I felt like a prisoner, like I was being punished for stepping in the hole.  I took up residence on the couch for endless hours. Everyday. I became a huge lump of nothing.  I took on weight immediately.  Going from runner to sedentary overnight did not go over well. As the days passed I felt worse.  My happy endorphins were gone, I felt sluggish and fat. I was home alone most days, hubby at work and kids at school,  and my brain would really work me over. Nothing is more powerful than the words we tell ourselves. I hated who I was becoming and did not mince words.  I beat myself up on a daily, it became a habit.  My confidence plummeted and I stayed home, I didn't want to leave.  The constant ankle pain and being pissed off all the time took over my days. And then I found food. Food became my friend, food made it all better,  food comforted me.... but only for a while. It turned out to be a double-edged sword.

I ate for many reasons.  I ate to feel better.  I ate because I was bored.  I ate because it tasted good. I ate because I didn't care anymore. I ate because I couldn't run. I ate because I was already fat so why not.  I ate because I was sad, because I was mad. Because I lost weight, because I gained weight.  Because it was raining, because it was a beautiful day I couldn't enjoy.  It was a ridiculous no win cycle of eating for any reason or no reason at all.   I was elbow deep in ice cream when my depression hit.  I did not realize that my emotional eating was just adding to the problems I already had.   My doctor put me on the "happy pill" bus which made things worse since most antidepressants contribute to weight gain.  It didn't help things that I was eating generous portions of bread and butter, cheesy noodles, and endless fast food.  Aaaah Jack in the Box Ultimate Cheeseburgers, I would eat two.  That stacks up to be 1,736 calories...98g of fat...42g of saturated fat...and 3,556 mg of salt for just one meal.  No wonder I put on weight huh? (I never bothered to look at the nutrition facts back then, I don't think it would have stopped me)  A few times, more than I want to admit, I would bake,  frost a cake and do my best to eat it all.  I would toss the evidence and leftovers before anyone came home.


Looking back into those years I am embarrassed and I can't believe I behaved like that.  I chose to disappear,  hide away and stay holed up in my house.  I did  not seek help or ask questions, I just accepted my fate. I cried, I wallowed in self pity.  I felt sorry for myself,  I gave up, I quit my life. Running was my way of dealing with life.  It was my escape, my time, my stress reliever.  Now it was gone.  Eating made the pain go away, even if it only lasted for a few moments.  My weight topped out at 220 pounds for my 5 foot 5 frame. To be truthful  that was the last number I saw on the scale when I stopped weighing myself.  By my second wedding anniversary I had  nearly doubled my size.  I had gained 95 pounds.  My husband had married a size five that smiled all the time, he was now married to a size 18/20 who was mad at the world. To add to the misery I weighed myself every day and let the number on the scale dictate how that day would go. I had a 50/50 chance to beat myself up for the next 24 hours or just wait until for the following day to do it. The number on the scale determined my worth, I was obese and therefore deemed myself unworthy.

I stopped looking in full length mirrors and started buying my clothes at the Big and Plus side of the store.  I was very insecure about this and took the "get in, get out" type of approach.  I grabbed quickly off the rack, nine out of ten times it was black, black is so slimming.   I made a huge mistake though.... I always bought a size larger than I wore,  I was a size 16 but would purchase a size 18 thinking it would hang on me and make me appear smaller.  Nothing could be further from the truth. I made myself appear larger by wearing clothing a size bigger.  I also believe that it, in a weird way,  gave me permission to keep eating since my clothing fit loosely.

I forgot to mention I picked up smoking, again.  I started with just a couple cigs here and there which developed into a full pack and a half daily habit.  I added drinking to the list shortly after.  Let's just say I drank too much a lot of the time. I could drown my sorrows in alcohol just as easily as food.
I was too stubborn and pig headed to listen to anyone.  I was tired of the ankle pain and depressed over what I had become.  I didn't see it was really all my fault and you couldn't have convinced me of it either. That is the main reason I am writing this.  Often we don't recognize we are creating our own misery, creating an unhappy, unhealthy life by the choices we are making.  In order to heal I had to get honest about my part in what I had done and make a plan for my comeback.


So, to bring you up to speed.... I chose my path, one bad choice at a time.
1. I chose to sit on the couch and not find any alternatives to running.
2. I chose to eat copious amounts of crappy food every single day
3. I chose to lose interest in my once healthy lifestyle
4. I chose to smoke.
5. I chose to drink.
6. I chose anger
7. I chose to fall apart
8.  I chose to have a pity party that lasted too long

 Having made those choices I lost/wasted 5 years.  That equals 1,820 days I can't get back. I wish I hadn't stayed so long in that dark place, it was horrible.  However, I can say that I am grateful for having had the experience which made me who I am today.

It will not be easy but it will be worth it, I guarantee it. In order to create my 'new life' I had to make a plan.  I looked at all the negatives in my life and began making them positives.  The first two I quit was drinking and smoking.  I chose to quit them together since they often went hand in hand.  I am now 9 years smoke free and can enjoy an adult beverage with no issues.  I went for the healthy eating next.  Education is the  key, I learned what I was eating, how I could do better and watched my portions.  The emotional eating was the hardest to beat.  However, once I started losing weight I didn't want to put it back on, when I felt stressed I went for a walk outside instead of to the fridge.  The walking built my confidence and rolled into running and biking.  Once I took control of my diet and anger the emotional eating disappeared.

You know what's cool?  I chose a lifestyle in 1999 and suffered the consequences.  In 2006 I chose another path.  I am still walking that 'other' road and am 80 pounds lighter. I no longer have depression, anger, or weight issues. I chose to create and enjoy a happy healthy life. I know I made it sound easy, it wasn't.  There comes a time when you have to hop on the hard, bumpy, uphill road in order to get to a better one.  Make the choice.  You can do it!

Finding It

I have had many people ask me where I get my motivation from.  I do not wake up everyday salivating at the thought of a workout.  I have days where I don't feel like walking, running, or biking.  I have days when my body is sore, my feet hurt, and I really can't stomach the heat, humidity, or whatever Mother Nature is dishing out.  When I can't muster up the motivation to lace up my shoes I start looking for inspiration.

Inspiration is all around us, you just have to look for it.  For instance, while mountain biking today I saw a large man, pushing 400 pounds easy running shirtless straight for me.  Once I took it all in and realized he was not a bear I couldn't help but smile.  He is a sight I will not soon forget.  He was out running, yes running, down the trail.  He was out there trying, he was sweating, he was working.  I saw him in two separate areas several miles from each other which lead me to figure he ran at least six miles.  Quite impressive for a fella his size.

  I will never forget what it felt like to start.  It was extremely hard, I am not going to lie.  Just putting one foot in front of the other some days was so difficult. I remember thinking "I have to do this for the rest of my life, UGH"  How in the world am I going to make this happen? Simply, one day at a time.

I saw another inspiration while driving.  She was about 5 ft 8 and 300 pounds, trudging down the sidewalk wearing a backpack.  She had ear buds in and a fierce 'eye of the tiger' look about her. I have had that exact look several times myself so I recognize it immediately.  I know her knees must have been killing her with nearly every step, especially since she was wearing extra weight on her back.  My knees and feet hurt so bad when I first started pounding the pavement.  (I started running on the grass by the side of the sidewalk  and the problem worked itself out.  I now run on the pavement with no issues)
There were days I felt like I couldn't run another step so I walked.

I look for inspiration everywhere I go.  I seek out some thing or someone to fuel my next workout.  I really don't have to look far since I am constantly inspired by humans living in my own household.  My son,  age 26 is training for the 2016 Paralympics.  He had both his legs amputated above the knee when he was a baby, very simply...someone forgot to install his tibia bones while he was growing in my belly.  He does not have a choice when he decides which  set of legs to wear for the day.  He picks them out and gets on with his day. I am also proud he is a personal trainer teaching people how to take care of themselves.  He does not let anyone or anything get in the way of his dreams. I admire him greatly and am inspired by him daily.

I am inspired by my hubby who enjoys LONG bike rides and keeps himself in shape in order to participate in races or play hard on the weekends.   I am also very inspired by my eight year old daughter.  I love watching her get strong at gymnastics and while riding her bike. I am in awe of the fact she does talent shows and is not afraid to get up in front of 100's of peers and parents.

Inspiration is everywhere. Don't stress over finding it.  Sometimes it just comes to you... at the store, driving, where you least expect it.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  Once you find it hold on to it.  Use it to your advantage and find out who you really are.  You won't be disappointed.

I Am A Quitter

This volunteer sunflower opened all the way this morning

Ten years ago I rolled out of bed and lit one of many Marlboro Reds I would have for the day.  I have been a smoker since I could sneak them out of my moms purse.  I started buying my own at age 16.  I continued to smoke until I was 19, quit for about five years and found myself back at it again.

I finally QUIT on July 1st, 2005 and I couldn't be happier.  Eight months later I gave birth to a beautiful little girl, she has never seen her mother smoke. It's been nine years so I decided to do a celebratory bike ride, I had a sitter for about three hours.

Blue skies 

I pedaled casually as it was ninety degrees and very humid.  This was going to be a moderate pace but a fun ride.  I smiled and said hello to everyone I saw, that was a lot of people on a busy Tuesday morning in Creve Coeur.  I rode around the beautiful lake a couple times and made a promise to come back and rent a stand up paddle board.  They rent them for $10 an hour.  Too cool!

Found a cake

I left the house without my IPod on purpose so I could chill out and reconnect in peace.  It was a good choice.  I spent my last hour on the Katy Trail.  That was a good choice too, the views from it are just beautiful.

Quitting smoking has been was one of the smartest choices I have ever made for myself.  It opened a whole new world to me with new, like-minded friends and helped lay the groundwork for a healthy lifestyle.

There is only one thing, scratch that two things that I regret... I regret not quitting sooner and saving the $$ in a jar.  When I quit cigarettes cost about $3 a pack.  At roughly 370 packs a year for 9 years I would have saved over $10,000 dollars.  Adjusting over $2 for todays prices would have netted much more.  At $5 a pack it cost nearly $2,000 to smoke a pack a day.  Crazy.

#30daysofbiking by TTM

Below is a blog written by my husband Jim.  He took a 30 day challenge to ride his bike in April. Doesn't sound too hard does it? Especially if you love to ride bikes huh?  Read below and see how it went.







So there it is, in all it's glory.  My #30daysofbiking all summed up.
How did it start? I stumbled on a "Challenge" on FaceBook.  I was to commit to 30 consecutive days of riding a bike.  Who doesn't love a good bike ride?  Well let's see...me on cold, rainy, snowy, drizzly, grey, windy, freezing COLD days.  Which it seems that we received many more of these types of days than my favorite type of sunny and 75 degrees with a light breeze.   Gray days make it tough to throw a leg over a bike and head out.  So I told myself that "1 mile is better than none!".  This became my sort of my mantra for those nasty days.

My commitment to the #30daysofbiking was that I would ride a minimum of 1 mile every day.  Why only a mile? Life, it has a way of getting in the way of those little things that we want to do for ourselves. Besides that why set goals you can't reach?  It's ok to have easy attainable goals. Just because they seem overly simplistic doesn't mean it will be easy.   So I chose 1 mile distance and time didn't matter. Everything doesn't have to be race.  It seems at times that when I hit a group ride the pace picks up and race mode happens.  Sometimes I just like to ride my bike and check things out. So 1 mile, no time limit.  Reality is though that I would ride many of these days at 1 mile or so and it wouldn't take less than 15 minutes from putting on a helmet to clicking stop on the Strava or GPS.
I rode my bike everyday and though I might not have felt like it, and believe me I had dozens of excuses lined up, I did it anyway. It's done now so here is the Top 5 things I learned riding my bike everyday for a month.


#1 - Sometimes you have to just HTFU and do it. Yup, just walk out the door and grab your bike and pedal.
#2 - You can ride a bike and clear your head in ten minutes. It's sometimes that simple. Betcha keep riding when it happens.
#3 - I didn't lose any weight? Nope, probably gained a little as my goal was to ride my bike not lose weight. If I was shooting for losing weight I wouldn't have had those beer runs on the calendar as bike rides. But my goal was simpler, just ride my bike every day for at least a mile. You want to lose weight? Don't eat shitty food and do something besides watching other recreate.
#4 - The streets in my neighborhood look like crap, and need some serious maintenance. Time to call city hall.
#5 - Always think about how your are transporting those bombers of beer before you buy 3.  When all else fails walk over to the curb and drink one. She will be just as happy as you, if you only bring her one beer back.

What's next - Dirty Kanza 200 training of course.  200 miles of Gravel Roads in 1 day on a bike. My time to beat - 19:30 minutes. After reviewing my April mileage on Strava(24 hours of riding, 195 miles total. Longest ride was 20.7 of singletrack and gravel road) it appears I may be a bit behind in the DK training plan.  I guess I better get out the Chamois Butter cause the new leather Brooks saddle is gonna get to know my sit bones really well over the next 31 days!

I have a new mantra for DK200 this year - 200isbetterthannone!

GETCHASUM!!!

Even you can ride a bike, people learn everyday.

Written by Jim Davis

Lifestyle Doesn't Take A Vacation

Recently my husband and I surprised our eight year old with a Spring Break trip to Florida.  We told her the morning we were going to leave, you should have seen her face.  We would be driving our Subaru Outback the 800 miles to Pensacola, Ft. Pickens Campground to be exact. We would be staying in hotels for three nights and at the campground for three nights. Our vacation was going to be an active on because we planned it that way.  In my opinion, vacation does not mean sitting around all day on a beach drinking alcohol and eating endless amounts of crinkle bag chemical laden non-foods or slamming pizza and cheeseburgers. That is no longer my lifestyle and I certainly don't want it as my vacation.

While vacations are not the time to lose weight they are not the time to add a notch on your belt either.  We went for long walks on the beach, several hours at a time.  We went on many hikes, a hike of a historical monument, a hike at Blackwater State Park and several hikes around our campground. The trail was literally just ten feet from our tent. Of course our bikes went.  We rode them as much as we could.

  Sydney definitely got the most miles. She received a new bike for her birthday the week prior and was really enjoying breaking it in by doing hot laps around the paved campground.  She made two friends, a brother and sister duo, and they had street races for a solid hour.

Now I am not saying it isn't okay to splurge a little , I enjoyed several delicious high octane micro-brews and indulged in some of the creamy sauces. Beyond that I did not step out of my box of normal eating.  I ate fresh vegetable platters, salads, fresh fish and basically what I would have eaten if I was at home.  My spurge was definitely the beers and I am happy with that.

Along with eating right and exercising we made sure to get our sleep.   We were in bed relatively early every night and asleep by ten our three nights in the tent. Morning came and we were up by seven.  A quick breakfast and coffee and we were off to the beach to find shells. Walking and running in sand was a fabulous workout.

I planned most of our snacks which helped keep us on budget and kept us from overeating when we did go out.  I brought along granola bars, bananas, apples, trail mix, nuts, grapes, cut up cucumbers/tomatoes, baby carrots, hummus, whole wheat crackers, cheese sticks, peanut butter, nutella and yougurt.  I whipped up a special batch of tuna salad that morning and cut up some peppers.  We used one cooler for cold foods, one cooler for cold drinks, and one cooler for all other items. We have an orange box that we keep all our cooking stuff in, jet boils, baggies, foil, cooking and eating utensils, pots, trash bags, paper towels, you get the idea.  This system worked out well for us and probably saved us a couple hundred dollars.

I hope you will be able to use some of my tips on your next vacation.  I just wanted to get you to think a little differently when you go on vacation.  You don't have to come back from it exhausted, experiencing stomach distress, feeling guilty, and ten pounds heavier. Make a few changes and you can return feeling healthy, well rested and happier than when you left. 

Happy Birthday To My Carrot

The folks on the Biggest Loser have a HUGE carrot, several in fact, dangled in front of them to entice them to drop the weight.  With 250,000 reasons to drop the pounds does that make it any easier?  Or winning an expensive vacation or car?  When I stepped on the scale and saw 220lbs staring back at me I knew I had to do something.  I also knew that a diet wouldn't help me.  I had to find a carrot. I needed a carrot.

My beautiful daughter came into the world on March 16th, 2006.  She was definitely a gift.  I had been told I couldn't have any more children after my son was born.   She came into the world loud and proud and nearly jumped off the table.  From first look I could tell she was something special and deserved more than I could give her. I was not worthy of her. I had a lot of work to do.

I had to change, there was no way around it.  I did not want my daughter to meet the person I had become. She could never meet this overweight depressed version of me.  I had to get to work, I figured I had about two years to reach my goal. I would be 40 years old by then, oh geez.  I would need to drop roughly 80 pounds and get my mind right.  I could get healthy, fit and fabulous in two years, right?   I wanted to be a good role model and I wanted her to be  proud to call me her Mom. So... I went for it.

I was determined to give Sydney the awesome, fit Mom she deserved. I started pushing  her in a stroller that May when my doctor released me for exercise. I've got to tell you that it was extremely hard getting my body to move, I had been sedentary for nearly five years. I had to dig deep.  I couldn't let this "hardness" stop me.  I couldn't because every time I looked into those tiny beautiful baby blue eyes I knew I had to keep going.  As she grew I shrank, it was wonderful. We walked everyday, sometimes twice a day. As the weeks passed walking became a habit and I started to look forward to it.   There was a lady in the neighborhood that called me "the incredible shrinking woman", she has no idea how that comment kept me going. ( I still think of that comment )

I continued to push Sydney in the stroller until she was about one year old, then we graduated her to a backpack.  I carried her everywhere.  We hit the trails more and went on overnight  trips. I was very happy to be in shape to be able do that.  That year we took a three day backpacking trip, it was amazing.

Those eighty pounds did not have a chance. My walking evolved into running and I took up cycling when she was 15 months.   I re-learned what to eat and found what I liked to do, what worked  for me.  I did NOT go on a diet, I found a lifestyle.  A lifestyle that agrees with me, one that makes me happy and healthy.  And I tried something new... I loved myself through ALL of it.  I let the old habits of being critical and just downright mean to myself go.  I never got anywhere by punishing myself, I had to stop those behaviors to get where I am today.

Time has passed so quickly. My daughter will be 8 years old tomorrow. I am proud to report that I have kept my promise to myself and to her over these years. I have not gained back a single pound.  I continue to strive daily for a healthy body and healthy attitude.  Truth be told... I am also looking forward to my 45th birthday at the end of this week.  How many people can say that?

Happy Birthday to my carrot!  I love you to the moon and back.

Be Brave Contest

*******Edited.  Deadline for photos is March 20th.







I am a huge fan of contests and decided it was time to have my own.

Very simply... If you want to enter EMAIL me a photo or PM me one to my LivingOutLoud Facebook page of you doing something brave.

The photo could be your first selfie with a shirt off.

I uploaded this photo and my computer crashed and
I couldn't take it down 

Or maybe a photo of what you looked like covered in sweat from your last workout.

Perhaps a photo of you doing something that scares the crap out of you.

Not a fan of water but I went whitewater rafting

I am terrified of heights but I made it to the top and eventually down

I was never so relieved to touch the ground

Maybe you want to share something extreme.


I used to have long blonde hair, I had over 12 inches cut off.

And then I went RED!

Now that you have the idea..... get creative and send it to me.  Deadline for entries is  Thursday, March 13th 2014.  I will compile all photos and place them in an album on Facebook.  Photo with the most LIKES wins. Easy peasy. You will be rewarded with this beautiful Patagonia Canvas Bag ($25 value) if you win.

Thanks for playing along.